God with us?

She had beautiful eyes, as blue as the sky on a perfectly clear winter day.  I bet her husband swooned over them many a time.  Her hair had just a trace of blond left among the yellow.  Her skin was incredibly dented, wrinkled, worn.  She was frustrated, feisty, tired out, 80-something years old.

She was looking for the free tax preparation, which this April happens is apparently housed on the 5th floor of the science building at the university where I teach.  After she interrupted the class across the hall, she found me in office hours and started looking for tax help.  Yesterday, during my one hour a week of solitude, it was not a very welcome interruption.

I happened to have a few quiet minutes with no students around.  Something in me clicked, and paused.  It was surreal.  Supernatural?  I listened, and noticed.  Her eyes, her skin, her labored breathing, her complaints about doctors and blood pressure medicine and coughs.  And I found myself wondering, what if this very woman was the Jesus I believe in?  Jesus on the Chemistry floor during my office hours.  Would I think her more beautiful, more important, worth taking time to listen to, talk to, and would I leave a chair out for her?  For a few minutes, she became a glimpse of my humble God, and  I stopped to make time for her.

What if I had that thought 5 minutes earlier?  Would that book salesman I just talked to seem more of a valuable person than a salesman to be annoyed with?

Driving across town on my way home then, walking around the elementary school, greeting moms and grandmas, scooping up my own dirty-faced little boys.  I glimpsed people in a way that I never have before.  Not with long hair, or strange clothes, or worn, or small, or beautiful, but each the tiniest facet in a crazy glimpse of an unfathomable God.  

Conservative Christian

Nope, not writing about politics today.  OK, well, sort of.  The labels "conservative Christian voters" and "evangelical Christian voters" and all that got me thinking today.  I hear them all the time, because we do follow politics with some interest around here.  And at least this year, they kind of grate on me, because though I call myself a Christian and I've gone to church with self-identifying evangelicals my entire life, I end up feeling that I have nothing in common with the labeled groups and so many of the associated stereotypes.  And I don't really understand their voting patterns.

As for the other piece of the label, the "conservative" bit, I'm coming to appreciate others with that outlook more.  Though I tend to be more curious and progressive these days, I'm realizing that we absolutely need people who say "Wait, do we really need to change that?"  or "Wait, do we really need to get involved in that?"    Whether it's political, economic, religious, or whatever.  To my broadly stereotyping mind, conservatives (not necessarily political ones) say - let's mainly stick with how things are or were.  Libertarians let everything flex.  Liberals chase broader or newer ideas and maybe get in others' business in the process.

So what if a "conservative Christian" was just one that said "let's be more conservative in our definitions of God and Christianity and stick with the themes that God has let us in on."

God says His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts.  Can I stick with that instead of fitting God into this specific salvation prayer or that exact 1/20/40/60/80 year life opportunity to get it all done?  I must be getting it wrong the instant I think I have Him all figured out.

God says that He loves the whole world, and by grace we are saved.  Can I stick to that and not have a crystal clear definition of if that person or people group  is saved, or worthy, or loved?   I must be getting it wrong the second I think I have anyone's eternal destiny all figured out, including my own.

I make no claim to studying the related theology, and very well might be getting it wrong myself, but this is a kind of conservative Christianity I'm drawn by these days.

What do you think?

Getting what I don't deserve

What if this is God’s message? Not a message that starts by pounding you over the head with guilt, but a message that catches you when you least deserve it and pours out love to win you? Maybe it’s obvious to the rest of you, but I didn’t grow up hearing that message, and the possibility of it has been eating at me for months now.

Two months of my salary was taken, and we were fuming. It was a small offense, I came to realize later, compared to losing all your belongings, having your body or mind taken from you, losing a child. But still, these words hit my previously “enemy-less” world with a thud.

"If someone drags you into court and sues for the shirt off your back, gift wrap your best coat and make a present of it. And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. Live generously.” (Jesus, Mt. 5:41-42)

If my wallet was stolen, I’d hardly think to chase the offender and hand him my husband’s wallet too. But it would mess with his mind for sure, and probably mine too. Jesus and his Father do this sort of thing over and over. There is justice, but there is way more grace. I never noticed, I never understood. I started to, and after a few months I sent a big flower bouquet instead of a lawyer.

I glimpse this again as John and I marked 10 years of marriage and again as we live near extended family for the first time. You blow me away when you do my dishes in spite of me snapping at you. You come to my house and clean up my messes, even though all I do at your house is make messes. We see each other’s crap because we see each other every day and there is no glossing over it. We are sometimes even hurt by it, and we either let the resentment and irritation build or give an unmerited double helping of love instead.

Every time I receive love instead of what I deserve, it stops me in my tracks, makes me consider grace and mercy, and points me to a loving God. When I give one person what they don’t deserve, I start seeing everyone around me a little differently, start being gentler with them.

My lost $2000 is pocket change. Being forgiven 70x7 times by you, more notable. Forgiving a murderer? Giving them a second chance?!? This stuff starts to shake me up. It’s radical. It’s different. I want to know more about the God that would inspire this insanity, the God who catches our attention by giving us what we don’t deserve, the God who tells us to give others what they don’t deserve.

Physically impossible

He was 70 or 80-something, slouched in the passenger seat in front of the car and staring straight ahead. He was there when I slowly mobilized my three younger kids into the grocery store yesterday, and still there when we rolled through the parking lot twenty minutes later, four gallons of milk and three loaves of bread heavier. How could you leave him in the car for so long?

And then I realized - maybe it's physically impossible for her to take him in, yet also impossible to leave him home alone. Maybe it was walking through the grocery store teeming with the over 70 set, many in pairs, many barely able to walk, that made me think twice. Maybe its my current almost-physically-impossible state of taking 1.5 year old twins out that helped compassion flicker.

Without a stroller, I literally can't go safely go anywhere with them, and they're almost more than I can hold all at once. If I want to shop for any more than will fit under the stroller (read: most any grocery trip or Target trip), it involves a delicate (BUMBLING!) push-stroller-pull-cart thing. Never mind extra-curricular outings like the park, zoo, museum, library, public restroom. They're all either a major project or major physical impossibility or safety hazard. Poor me.

But what if the person in my care was an elderly spouse, who couldn't be pushed in a stroller, even if I had the strength? Or a special needs kid far over the age of 1, whom I might barely push-pull around and but would also feel like such a spectacle? Especially if my kid decided to have a meltdown mid-trip. Or just a chronically sick parent or child? You can't leave them home alone. So how would I buy milk, go for a walk, buy clothes, go do almost anything we call "fun"? For these caretakers, it is pretty much physically impossible. (And their caring goes on for years.) I don't know, I never thought about it before.

God, give me a heart to see, love, and help those who have the difficult task of taking care of others.

How much love is enough to give?

It's a question that I can't exactly find the words to ask or answer.

As a giver, sometimes I just don't start giving. Besides the obvious reasons that I'm busy, tired, or selfish, there's another couple of things at work. I have often hesitated to show a small act of love, because, well, it's just that: small. Why bring dinner over to the neighbor, when I will probably only do it once this season, and he really needs consistent meals and companionship? Why give just an hour of my time at the school, when what the kids really need is a consistent helper? Why give my husband a measly card, when I know that he'd really love at least some sort of gift that cost something? Why pause to worship God for three minutes a day when I should be worshipping him with my every minute and whole life?

Why do I think that way? Maybe it's because I don't want to look small in my love to those I'm giving to. Maybe some of it is the Bible/church messages that I've heard, read, pondered about how the worst possible Jesus follower is a lukewarm one, that love must be crazy, free, abundant, and sold out to be worth anything. (On the flip side, there are certainly times Jesus says that giving a cup of water to a kid is worth quite a bit though...what about that?)

Lately, I've had a glimmer of an answer as I've received love. In the preparations for these babies coming, I find that not one gesture of love and kindness has left me saying - "man, they should have done more". The big acts of love are amazing. And so are the small ones. A phone call or email, an outfit or two in the mail, one random morning of babysitting, even just an offer of help. Each of those acts tells me that on that given day, someone stopped for an hour or so to think of me and love me. I need both: to be loved extravagantly, but also loved in the littlest bits. A little bit sure beats never knowing that they thought of me at all, you know? And a lot of little bits together adds up to quite a lot.

My experience as recipient of others' love lately is nudging me to give a little more readily, even when the gift seems too small. As a giver yourself, I hope that you aren't held back by wishing you could give just a little more, because I appreciate anything!

But I still wonder - is "loving a little" the best place to start, or simply making way for selfishness and keeping something back from God and others? I don't know...

When you're with us, you're royalty!

As I bumbled out of bed this morning, a mini-Snow White greeted me immediately from the couch. "Hi Ariel, I've been calling for you!" Ariel, as in Disney's Little Mermaid, who I hardly resembled no matter how much imagination you have! Then again, she calls me that all day, every day that she is in the mood for it.

Cheesy as it was, Rachel's greeting made my morning. In her two-year-old way, she says: "there is something about my mom that is like a princess". (A privilege that every girl they know is granted, but still!) Oh, and "mom, I want you to be part of our never-ending-make-believe-princess-world". I'm royalty, and included in the game. Does it get any better?

As an aside, I thought princesses were pretty corny up until a year or so ago, even for little girls. Isn't reading about real stuff more interesting, or pretending to be something that actually exists more practical, like a doctor or teacher? But then grandma gave the girls some princess costumes, and we "met" the princesses at Disneyland over Christmas, and I had no choice but to go along with the frenzy. I'm coming around to see that instilling my girls with a sense of beauty, grace, and kindness - even through a lot of fairy tales - isn't so bad.

Anyhow, all these royal thoughts made me think a bit about how I treat others. Do I greet and treat them like royalty, even as they roll out of bed? Do I find them a role to play in my activities, games, meals? A little lesson in real-life love from my two-year-old...

The pictures are old - from Christmastime - but you catch a glimpse of our royal family. Yes, we all posed with "fake" Snow White, because after an hour in line, that is what you do!

Dis/content

Words will fail me to articulate this thought, but I'm going to try...

One of the virtues that I aspire to most is contentment (see my simple life and inventory control). I want to be thankful for what I have, not always longing for more time, clothes, space, money. I work at and pray for contentment in my selfish self and covetous kids on a daily basis. It's one of the few things I do every day, actually!

And yet I find myself thwarted, or at least torn, by the presence of discontentment. No, not just that I want "more", but that in some situations, an attitude of discontent seems to be a powerful necessity. Maybe a better word for it is "ambition".

Discontent - or ambition - is a powerful driving force. It drives entrepreneurs to make something better, doctors to find a cure, educators to teach a new generation in a different way. Ambition for a better job in five years drives me to go above and beyond at work now. I dream about teaching in third world countries, or writing a book about marriage and more, or working on education reform in America. I will not come close to any of those if I sit here contentedly on my butt.

I admire those who live content with their home, family, and job. But I also admire those who have worked tirelessly for reform in medicine, education, even church - never content to settle for the status quo.

How do I go about pursuing contentment, and yet act on my ambitions at the same time?

What's the balance???

(Those aren't rhetorical questions - I really want answers!)

Fading to gray...

In my teens, faith in God seemed obvious. Maybe a combination of youth and fundamental, literal Bible teachings at church made it seem that way. “God’s will” was something that could be fairly easily found, a black and white issue that you either followed or you didn’t.

A few years of college later, the lines started to gray. I met many other Christians who went to churches that met very differently from my own. And yet they were seeking God and seeking to serve Him too.

Yet a few more years have passed now, and the black and white of youth is no longer there. Is it just a matter of having grown up, having believed the wrong blacks and whites, or something else?

I read what Jesus says, and the words both about love and conflict seem beyond understanding. “Love your neighbor as yourself”, being the most important thing after loving God. Do I see Christians known for that? And then today, “Don’t imagine that I came to bring peace to the earth. I came not to bring peace, but a sword. I have come to set a man against his father… If you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine.” (Mat. 10:34-37)

I go to a fairly “contemporary” church. The Bible is God’s truth, and yet there is some room for it to be taken as more than literal – leading to a dynamic church where women have some leadership roles, we work on the environment, we sing songs other than 1800’s-era hymns.

Then there is a good friend of mine, one who lives like Jesus would, I think. She shares her time, her art, her money all the time with the people in her neighborhood, her city, her world, yet she’s taking a break from organized church for a while. Seeking God outside of church? Others seek God in the “emergent church” – maybe the most contemporary type of church out there. Still others are drawn back to churches that are much more “orthodox”.

Finding different (if not quite opposing) well-informed perspectives on education, the environment, politics, history seems relatively easy. Finding those same perspectives on faith in God is really challenging me. Black and white perspectives are easy in a sense - they allow me to know if I'm right or wrong. On faith issues - my values, my purpose, my after-life - it is almost as if our lives depend on being "right". As I read about faith issues, the perspectives seem to be especially biased, charged, and so sometimes confusing. There is so much that I don’t know, don’t understand – but that I want to!

Where, in between the black, gray and white, would Jesus be walking, and taking me with him?

"Not to know is bad; not to wish to know is worse."—African proverb

A matter of perspective

Last post, I wrote about the movie "Religulous" - and how many aspects of the concepts of religion and faith can indeed seem ridiculous. Sometimes dramatic or tragic experiences change that idea. But maybe a chance for a different perspective is closer than I realize.

My dad commented - "I think a lack of faith is also a result of having too much of a city life. If all you ever see is what man has done, you can miss out on what God has done." I connected with that. I'd never really thought of it that way. It's places like home and sometimes even church, stuck inside of four beige walls, that I lose perspective.

So here's when the perspective changes - on a family camping trip, Nov. 4 this year. Our celebration of Election Day was to run for the woods!

Perspective on a grand scale. Since I was a kid, I have loved the outdoors - many childhood hikes with my own family have now turned into taking my own kids to parks and on hikes in literally every place that we visit. I never realized it, but I never wonder if God exists on those hikes. It just seems obvious that Someone infinitely bigger than me has created the mountains, rivers, creatures, etc. around me. In those moments, it is OK to not understand that Someone. I usually just hike and enjoy the scenery!


Perspective on a tiny scale. Also since I was a kid, I have been also been fascinated by small things in science. This fascination has been reawakened this year as I have been teaching a few chapters of biochemistry to my pre-nursing students. When I read and teach about the intricacies of how changing just a few atoms can alter a drug or the expression of a gene, I am in awe of the details, inspired to learn more. (I just ordered a college Biochemistry book, actually, being a happy nerd.) Just like in the great outdoors, I don't wonder if God exists when I study the tiniest details. I'm just amazed at how brilliantly each atom works together, at the wisdom of Someone who got it all just right.

God, open my eyes to glimpse your bigness and your wisdom. Not even to understand them, but just to glimpse a world and plan and meaning that is broader, more ordered, more amazing than I can even imagine.

"Religulous"

Religion. Ridiculous. It's actually the title of a real movie (that I haven't seen - yet) out in some theaters. I saw an interview with Bill Maher, the comedian star, on the Daily Show (DS) a few weeks ago, and I've been thinking about it ever since. The movie is more or less a religious satire, probing peoples' certainty about their own religions.

I was a little put off when the DS interview began, thinking, "How can you just go turn religion into a word and movie called ridiculous?!" Followed shortly by - "Hmm, but to be honest, I do agree that religion/faith can seem fairly absurd, if you step back and look from outside ."

Just as I was writing off Maher as a cocky and wealthy not-quite-athiest, he won me over with what I thought was a pretty profound statement. Halfway through, he said "I understand that not having faith is a luxury of a good life. If you're in prison and a guy says "all I have is Jesus," I get that." I realized that as I find myself sorting through aspects of my own faith this fall, it is only because my life is luxurious and good.

Fast forward. Over the Thanksgiving holiday, a one-year-old friend of ours had a severe seizure out of nowhere, and he spent the most of the weekend in ICU. At the end of the holiday weekend, I watched a TV movie (24) about young boys being conscripted into rebel militias in Africa. On a personal scale, and on a big-picture global scale, both of those situations gave me an in-your-face reminder of how life is not always so good.

Religion (or better put, faith?) may be ridiculous. Until we realize that we need it. When I need someone bigger than the world to fix the injustices of nations. When I needed peace and comfort as I watched my mother come to the end of her earthly life. When I cry out for healing for a friend or their child.

I don't have a catchy closing thought, because there are plenty of things on this topic that are still very fuzzy to me. I'll just observe that for today, life is not quite luxurious enough for me to throw in the towel and say it's all "religulous".

Daily Show interview re: Religulous
Other movies that have provoked these thoughts over the past year - Hotel Rwanda, The Last King of Scotland, Blood Diamond

What's your world view?

Recently, a few books and these quotes got me thinking about why I should clarify my own world view. I hope it's a topic that might get you thinking too...

"How we understand ourselves and the world around us determines the kind of life we make."

"If we don't know what we believe...how can we live it and defend it? Our ignorance is crippling us."

So, what's your world view? Is your view mostly based on faith or religion, is it based on the subjects you've studied, based on someone else's view (agreeing or disagreeing with them), based on your life experiences?

Rachel (my two-year-old) is just learning to ask - "why?" But the only answer that she knows to give yet is - "Because." Our conversations go something like this: "Why Mommy?" "I don't know, what do you think Rachel?" "Because!"

I want to work at going a little further than that - not only being unafraid to ask "why?" and "who?", but also having more to answer than "I don't really know, just because." Today, I've only got my own questions to share (answers and ideas are swirling!). I hope these questions get you thinking too, about what your world view is, and why it matters.

Who is god? One being, creator, in everything, near or distant, constant or changing?

Who are you, and who are the other 6 billion people on the earth? Immortals, reincarnations from another life, equal or inequal beings, responsible for each other or not, connected to people in current, past and/or future generations?

What is your view of time? Is time cyclical or linear, with beginning and end or not?

What do these things mean - forever, love, purpose, justice, good?

They're hard and defining questions, if you stop and think about them... Do you have a question to add? I'm not ready to give you a pat list of good Christian answers, but I'll share more of my big and small thoughts in the days to come.