Physically impossible

He was 70 or 80-something, slouched in the passenger seat in front of the car and staring straight ahead. He was there when I slowly mobilized my three younger kids into the grocery store yesterday, and still there when we rolled through the parking lot twenty minutes later, four gallons of milk and three loaves of bread heavier. How could you leave him in the car for so long?

And then I realized - maybe it's physically impossible for her to take him in, yet also impossible to leave him home alone. Maybe it was walking through the grocery store teeming with the over 70 set, many in pairs, many barely able to walk, that made me think twice. Maybe its my current almost-physically-impossible state of taking 1.5 year old twins out that helped compassion flicker.

Without a stroller, I literally can't go safely go anywhere with them, and they're almost more than I can hold all at once. If I want to shop for any more than will fit under the stroller (read: most any grocery trip or Target trip), it involves a delicate (BUMBLING!) push-stroller-pull-cart thing. Never mind extra-curricular outings like the park, zoo, museum, library, public restroom. They're all either a major project or major physical impossibility or safety hazard. Poor me.

But what if the person in my care was an elderly spouse, who couldn't be pushed in a stroller, even if I had the strength? Or a special needs kid far over the age of 1, whom I might barely push-pull around and but would also feel like such a spectacle? Especially if my kid decided to have a meltdown mid-trip. Or just a chronically sick parent or child? You can't leave them home alone. So how would I buy milk, go for a walk, buy clothes, go do almost anything we call "fun"? For these caretakers, it is pretty much physically impossible. (And their caring goes on for years.) I don't know, I never thought about it before.

God, give me a heart to see, love, and help those who have the difficult task of taking care of others.

bio glimpse - Michael J. Fox

I've been fascinated with biographies for almost as long as I can remember.  As a girl, I read through the entire section of them at my local library, without preference for men, women, well-known, little-known.  I've been thinking about taking them up again with my kids...  Anyhow, I still love to hear people's stories, where they've come from, what they have overcome or learned.  Maybe now and then I'll write about someone that catches my attention here.

Last week, it was Michael J. Fox popping up in two places - first on a recorded episode of the Daily Show, and then in an interview in TIME.  When I was a kid, I watched just a bit of Back to the Future on VHS tapes.  When I went to college, he let the world know that he had Parkinson's disease.  Even though I wasn't a big MJF follower, it made enough splash in the news that I did a term paper on the disease at some point during college, learning enough to know that it has something to do with trembling and dopamine.  

It's been more than 10 years since that now.  I don't remember ever seeing him speak in person, so I was intrigued to catch his interview with Jon Stewart.  To see someone who has been masterfully eloquent sit with slightly awkward movements and a quivering voice - in spite of that to see him be confident, optimistic, acting not the least bit embarrassed - it was really captivating.  

In the TIME interview, a reader asked - "How do you keep your optimism in the face of difficult circumstances?"  

Fox's answer was - "I think mostly it's about acceptance.  I have no choice about whether or not I have Parkinson's.  I have nothing but choices about how I react to it [my added bold].  In those choices, there's freedom to do a lot of things in areas that I wouldn't have otherwise found myself in."

I thought that insight was profound.  Maybe it's not Parkinson's for me or you, but we don't have to look far to find moments or years of loss, frustration, or dissappointment that we wish were different, whether in the big picture or life or the little picture of today.  That those difficult moments happen is beyond my control.  My reaction is within my control.  Bitter or forgiving, angry or patient, apathetic or caring.  Making the positive choice opens opportunities instead of closing them.

Funny, it's the unexpected reactions of others that catch our attention and lift us up - like Fox's unexpected optimism (Jesus forgiving his murderers in his last moments comes to mind just now too).   Something I'll be thinking about...

Inspiration on (training) wheels

I feared the worst. It would probably take my cautious daughter until the end of summer, if not longer. And then over spring break, she went from trepidation on training wheels to riding a mile to school – on two wheels!

Abby is on the quiet side of quiet, sometimes quick to learn things, but on her own time table. She excels at caution, which is good when I need to trust her around the house. It’s not so good when she expects to fall and get hurt, so wants every inch of her body padded!

This past week, her training wheels made quick work of getting bent to the point that they were worthless. She started to get the hang of balancing with them off the ground. Then one day she insisted, OK, Dad, yessssss, let’s take them off. In a sassy, grumpy sort of way. She took off around our cul-de-sac, on two wheels, without a parent or a problem. I was shocked.


Two days later (yesterday), she begged to go ride again. This from the girl who had to be coaxed to ride her bike just one month ago.

She figured out how to start on her own. How to stop on her own. How to suddenly weave around up and down driveways, which I’ve been unsuccessfully encouraging her to do for a year. How to ride faster than a snail.

She went flying through a mud puddle on accident, and laughed. She did it over and over, laughing out loud every time (is this my cautious daughter who doesn’t like dirt or bumps that much?) I smiled in pride and disbelief as she rode more quickly and confidently than I ever imagined. Oh, and the elbow and knee pads? Never once did she use them this week.

She’s ridden her bike to school twice this year, and walked about 100 times. Today, she wanted to try the whole mile on two wheels. And she did it.


She took some baby steps a few days ago, and then discovered a whole new realm of independence and confidence.

Sometimes I see the inevitable coming, and I fear that I’ll never make it – a new semester’s schedule, moving my family, job transitions, economic unknowns. But maybe fearing how hard it’s going to be is foolish. I’ve been reading in the news how recessions give rise to huge increase in entrepreneurs who try something new out of necessity. They discover it’s better than they thought, often sticking with their small businesses even when the economy picks up again.

A little worry is okay. But my worst fears rarely come true. In fact, a lot of good often comes of those things I'm afraid of. Watching Abby step out and grow up in a matter of days this week has given me a lot of hope to look forward with less worry. I see that being stretched might take me places I never dreamed possible - maybe even quicker than expected, and laughing along the way!

A family AND a village

"It takes a village to raise a child." African proverb, title of Hillary Clinton's book, 1996

I was in Abby's classroom (kindergarten) again yesterday - I continue to be amazed at the community that exists at the school, at all the caring people that make the place "go", at all the children whose lives are touched there for at least six hours every day. During my last twenty minutes there, one little boy sat next to me, leaning, sprawling, and wiggling as close as he could get. He was in "time out", a place where he had landed because he was clamoring for attention. That I could provide him with just a bit of that one-on-one attention for a few minutes made my day - and got me thinking again.

I'm going to start with stereotypes - which are not usually perfect but at least provide a point of reference and some truth. When raising children, it seems to me that many Christians believe that their family (or at most, church family) is the only safe place for their young kids (0-10+ yrs?) to be. To that end, they may choose Christian schools, church sports leagues, after-school church clubs, Christian books, Christian cartoons, home school, church-based service, only Christian friends. I think of ripples of uproar among Christian adults that I knew when Hillary Clinton wrote "It takes a village" in 1996. The thinking went, "Our children are up to us, God forbid that the government should start raising them." But I think that they missed the point completely.

I do believe that our families (Christian or not) lay the foundation for our kids' lives. But what I glimpse in the actions above is that some Christians don't really want to be a part of the "village" (or you could say, the neighborhood). They don't really want to be served by secular schools or sports or clubs. Let me try hard to distill my thoughts here. I acknowledge that they are kind of one-sided, but that's what I've got for now.

• If I expect the village to raise my children, I may neglect to work hard at teaching values and character at home.
  

• If I expect the village to raise my children, I may blame others when my children don't turn out as planned.
  

• But, if I overvalue the family (and church), I am essentially devaluing the community I live in. The teachers, coaches, club leaders, mentors - they are not good enough for me and my kids. Invite them to Jesus, when my kids are too Christian for their group?

• When I choose to keep my kids out of general public activities, I withdraw myself too. I give less to the elementary school down the street, the park district sports league, the Girl Scouts. I'm less likely to go volunteer with any of them, because my daughter isn't involved.
  

• My kids are going to grow up and eventually live in this "village". Will they avoid it just like me? Will their neighbors, coworkers, janitors, etc. be the kids who we didn't get involved with so many years before?
  

• Finally, I think back to the little boy cuddling up next to me at school. Some kids, even many kids, don't have a family that is as strong as they need. They need others in the village to love them, teach them, befriend them. If I live like family is the only place to raise a child right, I am ignoring the needs of millions of kids who have only a village to depend on.

And that is all that I have time to write today. What do you think? What is the balance between family and community? Why do you think that? I want to know.

Wanted: Woman running through park, pushing blue and yellow sleigh. Possibly stripping. Definitely freezing.

Did I catch your attention? Did you happen to drive past Hessel Park and see her this morning?!

Well, it was me. After a two week break from walking Abby to school and running outside, I'm back! So here I am with a quick shout out to Jim/Ana/JingleBells5K and two moms from Abby's school. See, it had been a very mild fall, and then suddenly autumn began her quick descent into winter, and the temperature dropped to 30F or colder in the mornings. I relegated myself to the treadmills at the gym.

But then something strange happened. I enjoy the solitude of jogging, but I'm always up for a little competitive (athletic?!) challenge. In spite of the weather, the two girls I've met that walk or bike their kids to school every single day kept doing it. One brings her one-year-old along, the other continues biking three miles to her son's preschool. And then brother-in-law Jim asked if I'd run a 5K in a few weeks. I couldn't help but rise to the challenge.

So, this morning, I made my first foray back into the cold, pushing Rachel in a giant bike-trailer-turned-jog-stroller (a.k.a. sleigh), wearing a heavy coat and eventually "stripping" off my hat and gloves because I was actually warming up! I ran miles of random quick intervals, and just the thought of what I must have looked like barreling quickly around town makes me laugh. (Unfortunately for you, I couldn't find the camera this morning to share the moment.)

Moral of the story - just keep doing whatever that great little thing is you're doing - you never know who you might inspire to step out into the lonely cold and copy you!

Thanks Jim, Ana, J, and L!

All in the neighborhood

There's this corny Sesame Street song that comes to my mind... "Who are the people in your neighborhood?" I've been working a little harder than usual at getting to know my neighbors this past year or so. We moved to a new house a year and a half ago, and now Abby goes to school less than a mile away. Good excuses to branch out.

Neighbors, I'm thinking, are one of life's treasures. Just this morning, I had a few other moms and kids over to our house, all from within a mile (or a block!) of my house. One from Korea, one from Virginia, one from Pennsylvania, one from Texas. The one from Russia couldn't make it. I love visiting with each of them, and also just sitting back and watching them love their kids, take pictures, share stories. Who needs a road trip on a foggy, rainy day when you can take one in your living room?!

My neighbors introduce me to people I'd never get to interact with otherwise. Just in our immediate cul-de-sac, I've gotten to know a handful of the over-80 bunch, a Korean family and their nanny, a high school math teacher and her nieces, a family with two ten-year-olds and a thirteen-year-old. As much as I love the "small group" that I am in at church (full of young families), getting to know my neighbors gives me a great opportunity to talk about and do something other than kids and sermons!

Abby's class at school is a part of our "neighborhood" too. I was there earlier this week, and I get to interact with kids from around the city. They are from different countries, different socioeconomic classes, different types of families, and have different strengths and weaknesses. They remind me of the variety in my city, and that we all live side-by-side, working together to get our kids to school, get them through K, 1, 2, 3....! Being in the classroom helps me put a face and a value on the many families in my city.

My neighbors remind me everyday that the world is a much bigger place than our little family, our little church, our set of friends. I've got a slice of the world right at my doorstep, a glimpse of the world to explore, learn about, and love. They may be different than me, but what better chance to experience the "diversity" of the world and get to know it face to face?

What kind of random neighbors do you have? Have you talked to them lately?

You try it!

My dad has a saying I think of often - "To criticize is easy, to do better may be difficult."

I don't necessarily criticize a whole lot of things, but I do try to copy them. Writing (a blog, lately), throwing a party, trying a new exercise at the gym, taking pictures of kids, to name just a few. Lacking my own creativity, I guess that I am a shameless copycat!

Almost every time, two things happen - 1) I fail almost completely, 2) I suddenly respect the person and their skills much more.

Lately, my tidbits of writing have opened my eyes to all things written in a new way. I've started to pay close attention to the words of my daily heroes: an interesting novel author, a faithful blogging friend, a journalist. Two of my main hobbies, taking pictures and cooking, are like that too. The more I attempt and fail at them, the more I respect those who do them better than me!

Tempted to criticize? Try the task first. Gain some respect for another person. Pass on a compliment.

"To criticize is easy, to do better may be difficult."

Turns out, who am I to criticize? I'm off to share some compliments!