Big. Best. Babies.

During big and memorable times of year, like say, the holidays, it's easy for me to get caught up in stressing about doing something bigger or doing something better.

God does huge stuff.  But when He sent Jesus, he showed up as a baby.  A teeny, tiny baby, born into one family.  In one little village, in one little corner of the world, touching just the neighbors, friends and strangers that happened by.  That's big?!

God does the best stuff.  But He knows that we don't.  Maybe that's why He gives us babies, children, little opportunities for redemption.  One child taken too soon, two to redeem and replace.  A little child, a new opportunity for grandparents and parents to love better or love like they weren't.  Little ones with so many needs that if you blow it once, a chance for redemption is probably just seconds away.

My little ones, they are straight from God, precious gifts, and a visible reminder of the little Child of God sent so many, many years ago.  Merry Christmas.

I need you...

It's easy to wish that we could be there for each other more often, lived closer, were the best friend that got the call. At least for me...

But by definition "best" sort of implies one top dog, and if we were all each others best friends, well, it just wouldn't work out. Growing a little older, sending Christmas cards to the trail of states we've left behind, I'm appreciating more and more the tapestry of people that make my life happen, that make my life happy. I need each and every one of you, and I hope you'll stick around for a good many years.

I need you so that I have friends to stay with when I visit Fargo. Or Lincoln. Or Grand Rapids.

I need you to cheer me up when you smile and say a kind word as I parade my family around the grocery store.

I need you to talk about not going to church, so that years later I have a companion when I'm going to church less.

I need you to go out for drinks in the backyard or downtown suburbia, even if we just met, so we feel less lonely.

I need you to hold a family sing-a-long every year so that when I move back to town, I'm enveloped with a sense of my own family belonging to a larger one.

I need you to pick my daughter up from school so that I can go to work.

I need you to send me a birthday card every single year.

I need you to need me.

I need you to be an old friend so that whenever we meet up again, I don't have to explain my entire family history.

I need you to compete against in a friendly game. It's not everyone's cup of tea, you know!

I need you to be dependably by my side every single day.

I need you to have issues. So I know that my screaming child or depressed day or mistake are normal. And we can lift each other up with understanding when need be.

I need you to give me a big hug.

I need you to chat with while walking up or down the hill to school every day.

Now that I've started, this list could really go on for a very long time. So if I've missed you in these first few thoughts, don't even start to think that I don't need you.

Because I absolutely do.

Day 11: Going and coming

Champaign, Illinois

We're back in of our most recent "home" towns, spending days with generous friends who share their basement, food, and laundry room with us. After a 24 hour-long blip into Canada (Niagara Falls), a year-long blip away from this city, and a years-long blip from Michigan relatives, we're reminded of the sweetness of the familiar. It takes guts or sometimes just circumstances to yank us out of the familiar, but there's something about leaving that later lets us come back with a new sense of awe and appreciation. It's good to get away, so I stop and notice things like...

Restaurant names and prices that are American.

Extended family that understands being over 6-6 and shares your career path and looks like you. (OK, that one is John's - I know nothing about being 6-6!)

Friends, both parents and kids, that you can pick right up with every time you meet. Watching your friends' kids grow up and being able to play with them. As one of the girls prayed, "thank you God for friends that you know really love you."

Prairie clouds and rainbows that fill up the entire sky, from the ground up, and flat land to look across for miles in every direction. Peace and quiet.

A room shared with no small children, a late and lazy morning, a quiet afternoon.

The strangest thing about all of these things - I haven't grabbed my camera to capture any of them. For all the thousands of snapshots that I take, somehow it just feels most fitting be in the moment in the best of times.

Day 4: Maine-ly miscellaneous

Bar Harbor, Maine

In which I recollect the excitement thus far… (To see what the heck we are doing in Maine and where we are going, see here.)

Day 1 – On which Danny decides to kick off the fun by waking up at 5:15 AM. On which John goes out to load up our last few bags, only to discover that I left the interior lights on last night and the battery is dead. This is a wretched way to begin a 4500 mile road trip. Somehow, he managed to not verbalize or even act on all that rage, causing me to be hopelessly in love with him again. Once on the road, the ease of travel is amazingly better than last year’s trip, namely the fact that bottles and breastpumps a la car are no where to be found. Chasing toddlers at rest stops is kind of treacherous, but I’ll take it.

Our kids are growing up with a keen gratitude for the little things in life (or very middle class taste). They think our Connecticut Hojo room that night is amazing and spacious, despite the various off smells that are thick in the room and hallways. Add a rotisserie chicken and $1.25 generic orange sherbet for dinner (Abby professes her love for the poor little dead chicken about 20x), and a supercool post-dinner playground trip, and they could not be happier. Even I swoon a bit over the cheap mattresses, which beat the air mattresses in our empty house from the past two nights. Never felt better to have a bed and a bistro table so close by!

Day 2 – On which we loath the green-dotted scenic routes in the atlas and Google Maps for saying it was a short drive and me for insisting we take the scenic route instead of the interstate. It was not any more scenic than I-95 and took an hour longer than expected. The boys stated in no uncertain terms that it was one more hour than their little butts could handle, and when they scream, we agree in misery.

However, we made it to Maine, a new state for all six of us, and ate lunch with a view of the ocean. We were serenaded with storefront signs introducing us to all things Maine-ly Motors and Maine-ly Ice Cream and Maine-ly Lobsters. Purple lupine along the road were beautiful, and the hotel at the end of the day was lovely too. If our empty house made Hojo seem palatial the night before, this next place is divine. A view of the bay/islands/ocean, towels thick enough to call fluffy, a continental breakfast with a toaster too, and only the smell of bleach to greet us.

Day 3 – On which John declares that he will never travel off season again, due to the fact that off season apparently equals weather that probably sucks. The prices are better, but after our water view disappeared into a hazy white mist from ground to sky and the temps hover around 50, and we put on every layer we have to go hike in the rain, we are a bit jaded. That said, it was the longest hike we’ve ever done with all the kids (3.2 whopping miles) and dubbed by Rachel to be “the most awesome place” she’d ever been. (Until Abby asked – “even better than Disneyland?” – and she conceded that Disney would come first.) We decide to extend our stay an extra day to chase the sunshine that they say is coming.

Day 4 – On which I started to have no complaints, until I find out for myself that our hotel internet is slower than what I had in the 90s and I have recollected all these things twice now! Speaking of twice, twins are twice as nice, but one will inevitably fuss and hurry you through your morning, even if they are carried at will, have ocean vistas in every direction, and a lovely sandy beach complete with edible goldfish to wrap it all up. Fortunately, their smiles and cheeks are irresistibly cute, and all is forgiven. Finally saw the quintessential rocky Maine coast complete with a few lobster boats and enough sun to make a shiny spot in the clouds – absolutely beautiful, and no rain today!!!

Oh yes, traveling with babies does have another upside. Nap time. It means each parent gets either a few hours to chill in a quiet room, or a few hours to hang out solo with the girls. Either way, you make out great. Can I also say that if someone came to my room and emptied the trash and made the beds and wiped the counters, I could almost get used to living in 200 sq. feet forever?!

I never get tired of this...

The first, biggest, brightest flowers of spring, basking in the morning sunshine. Almost proof that perfect is actually possible?

Intensely simple

It's easy for me to complain when life gets intense. "Intense" comes in many different ways: work commitments, lots of kids to care for, a serious illness, debts, moves, (name your own intense situation!). Now, we don't have all of those going on right now, but plenty to make life feel kind of intense sometimes.

In our current season of living intensely, I'm noticing this pleasant, lingering side effect - intensity makes my life simpler.

It's counter-intuitive, that life being "busy" and "hard" makes it simple, but it seems that it is true. Here's my anecdotal evidence...

When I make my to-do list each morning, it's an easy, thoughtless process. Cook dinner, take the trash out, shower, run, grade papers. And all time in between will be spent immersed in my family, students, or strangers along the way. Fairly simple.

When the boys are awake, I play with all the kids. As hard as possible. Much less meandering to the computer or a magazine or the kitchen. (Except for right now, as I'm blogging - ha!) Precious few minutes mean playing hard.

If I'm fortunate enough to be home at the same time as John, it's got to be mostly quality time - no time for distance or disagreements. And it's (usually) not too hard to avoid those, since I'm just so happy that we are together.

When I'm working on "school" work, there are few distractions allowed. Must. Get. Through. This. Stack. Before the boys wake up!

When I long for friends, it's quite simple - take whoever drops into your life. Family and friends who temporarily move in with you. The neighbor who comes up the hill. The friend who insists that you go to coffee together. Don't stress about seeking out more or doing more, there simply isn't time now.

When I feel like cooking something more than frozen soup or spaghetti, I don't. A little dish-washing plus a little play time are far more valuable to the family right now.

This intense simplicity blankets nearly every area of my life right now - not just marriage, kids, and work, but also church, spending, recreation, involvement at the kids' schools or at work, and on and on. Strangely, in spite of the occasional exhaustion, the intense simplicity is mostly refreshing!

So with just enough time and energy left to complain OR be thankful, I guess there is one more fairly simple choice...

a quick look back...

December flew by, the first half spent busier than ever with new friends here, and the second half busier than ever with a house full of John's family. Both wonderful! John, his brothers and Dad, and the girls spent New Year's Eve day in Washington DC, leaving me to the first quiet and solitude I can remember during the entire year. Here's what the silence brought to mind, as I thought back over a remarkable month, fall, and year. An epically long post with 31 things I'm thankful for. Enjoy :). (Cutting and pasting has messed with my format, but I'm just going to pretend I don't notice!)

1. Silence for the first time in weeks to collect my thoughts. Ahhh, peace and quiet.

2. 2. A big, big house with lots and lots of room. Plus a big, big yard. For hosting lots of family.

3. 3. Stomach stuffed full from a skillet breakfast that IHOP would die for.

4. 4. Silence in the house. Sleeping babies.

5. 5. Abby’s giant sparkling eyes and toothless smile that cheer me up. Always willing to help with a smile, especially with her baby brothers.

6. 6. Rachel’s LOUD belly laughs and hollers that help us take life up a notch every day. Long blond hair and legs growing longer every day. And reading!

7. 7. Baskets of clean laundry folded on the floor.

8. 8. Being at peace with the messes that I can see in every direction in my house.

9. 9. The furnace clicking on.

10. 10. Bigger paychecks, so balancing the bills and savings is less pressing and less depressing, especially in winter.

11. 11. Danny and Jimmy, strong and healthy enough to climb up almost everything, to bang pans loudly, and to make a serious addition to my grocery bills.

12. 12. The babies making each other laugh.

13. 13. John on the floor with 4 kids climbing happily all over him. Bringing home (bigger!) paychecks. Listening to me. Moving me around the country. Throwing me on the bed any chance he gets.

14. 14. Brothers-in-law to make us laugh louder and more often.

15. 15. Mother-in-law visiting peacefully and doling out love and presents to all. Free dates!

16. 16. Father-in-law hanging around. Having random discussions about religion or politics or whatever that are easy and interesting.

17. 17. Skyping with my own extended family, all of them, for a glimmer of my own family over the holidays.

18. 18. Boys sleeping through the night. Enough energy for me to run a bit again, cook a little, play a little.

19. 19. Views of the hills and so many trees out my window.

20. 20. Touring new things around the area. Time in Baltimore/on the east coast to explore.

21. 21. Dates with John to the doughnut shop and Panera.

22. 22. Not a thought given to work for two weeks.

23. 23. Girls having fun with their relatives.

24. 24. Ticking clocks, humming refrigerator, passing traffic. Sounds that were strange 5 months ago and are now “home”.

25. 25. Friends waiting to call up after the holidays. No one was waiting 5 months ago.

26. 26. A little bit of sun peeking through the clouds. Zero snow on my sidewalks.

27. 27. An impromptu visit with friends from far away.

28. 28. A husband, children, and in-laws that give me such a sense of belonging and family. And eat the food that I make them.

29. 29. A refrigerator, cabinets, and kitchen permanently bursting with food.

30. 30. Thought-provoking and civil discussions about nihilism and religion. Bible stories told a little bit differently that keep me thinking.

31. 31. The end of this year. Babies turning 1, exploring and loving Baltimore, moving to Maryland with jobs, a summer with Dad and Leslie in California, 7000 miles, John graduating, house selling, Danielle helping, money in the bank, Abby thriving at a new school, Rachel learning to read...

Two hands full

My two hands are always full these days. Carrying my two "little" boys up and down stairs and over and through gates these days is more of a hunch-scrunch-shuffle. Never mind grocery shopping, which I'm still trying to figure out how to do gracefully. Oh, and then occasionally I do something silly like try to take picture of myself while my hands are full. You can see how well that went in these lovely pictures.

Reading this morning, I came across this little statement of gratitude to God - "You give me more than I can hold." Ha - that's me!

Every time I bumble around with hands full to overflowing with two babies, or a zillion bags of groceries, or textbooks, or laundry baskets, I'm going to try and let the awkwardness be a reminder to say, "hey, thanks God for giving me so much I can't even hold it all!"

Counting...

We are in Baltimore (11 days now!) and doing the hard work of getting life set up here. Needless to say, it is even easier than I expected to get stressed or overwhelmed with all there is to do - including just daily life as a family!

Came across this quote in my inbox tonight though, and it made me smile... So fitting, with all the blessings that we have, and all the moving expenses mounting. Like seriously people, how expensive should it be to drive a car??? Anyway:

“The best way for a person to have happy thoughts is to count his blessings and not his cash.” --Author Unknown

Going to have to carve out some time between bills to count blessings!

Day 60 - Why two are better than one

Iowa City, Iowa

I have two on the brain.

Two friends, better than one, because when one came down sick last night, her sister was able to take us in.

Two babies, better than one, because together they made it through eight and a half months of breastfeeding. They took turns being the better eater, traded favorite sides, etc., each keeping the milk supply up for the other one. Never thought we'd make it that long, and now ready to moooo-ve on! Oh yeah, and two parents to take care of those two babies. Could not do life without John.

But the two that got me thinking are my dad and mom (the 2nd one). Two parents are better than one. Even two moms better than one! Thirteen years ago or so, my widowed dad met my widowed mom on the web. It felt very weird to us kids at the time. Fast forward all those years, and I see the two of them doing life together and it feels so much more right. He goes to work, she serves him coffee, breakfast, and dinner. He gets stressed, she listens. She gets stressed, he listens. He watches movies, but needs her to handle the remotes. She goes to an appointment, he drives and keeps her company. He plays catch outside with the grandkids, she plays school inside with them. He calls and sings happy birthday, she keeps the calendar and buys the birthday cards/presents and send them out. He holds Danny, she holds Jimmy. He drinks white wine with me, she drinks red with John. Together, they do more. Together, they are more. Home is different now than when I was a kid, but it's a good place to be because there are two people living there. We're glad that there are two of you to come home to.

Dad and Leslie, thanks so much for your example of loving each other. AND for taking care of us this summer!

Day 57 - Raindrops in the desert

Fruita, Colorado

Funny thing about California in the summer time. It doesn't rain! Unlike the mountains, the plains, or the gulf, there are no afternoon thunderstorms. Not even so much as a drop of rain fell during the last 5 weeks that we spent in California. And then, at our first rest stop out of town, in the desert a hundred miles or so south of Death Valley, it rained. Sure, it was just some tiny sprinkles. But we stood in it, smiled in it, let the tiny splashes fall on us. Whodathunk we'd find raindrops in the desert?! (That's the girls in the rain, up above.)

Raising lots of small kids (never mind while moving or with twins) can sometimes seem to be a desert. More sand than water, more hot than cool, more work than reward. Shoot, even being married while raising those kids can feel that way sometimes.

But even a desert, even in July, has its raindrops. And the plants soak them up and store them, eeking out of the drops enough to exist for decades.

And so here we find ourselves, soaking up the raindrops when they come. At times, wishing for a good ol' midwestern thunderstorm, but learning to at least catch the desert drops when they fall, and all the while making our final drive - from CA to Maryland!

Raindrops this week: small, few and FAR between, but raindrops. And as for the "desert", I will refrain from memorializing the miserable things!

Literal raindrops in the desert at our first rest stop out of town yesterday!

An enormous hotel room in Utah last night.

Afternoon naps at the hotels for the boys.

Scenic lunch spot today - Utah cliffs, mountain stream, pioneer cabin. Bonus after 20 minute morning naps forced us off the road early.

First twin tooth appeared yesterday (by Jimmy)! They are growing up. YAY! (Can you spy it below?)

Gorgeous scenery all day in the car today - Utah is one of my favorite states for outdoor beauty, I think.

Hoping you catch some raindrops today too. :)

Day 11 - moving our bigger family

(outside our hotel in Maryland)

Champaign, Illinois

Our house is under contract (yay!), and so our trip has taken a detour back to Champaign for a couple of days. Because it is set to close within a couple of short weeks, much sooner than we expected, we've spent the last couple of days moving all our STUFF into a storage space until our Aug. 1 lease begins, and tying up final loose ends here. At one point, we were planning to be camping in the Smoky Mountains now. Instead, the air mattresses and camp chairs are being used in our now empty house.

Moving used to be a pain when there were two or three of us and some stuff. We've discovered this time that moving has become almost overwhelming, both because we have acquired so much more than before, and we have the little guys now. Which wouldn't be so bad if the little guys hadn't acquired colds and poop in abundance this week (becoming an expert in diaper rash remedies!). Anyhow, lots to complain about and agonize through, and inspiration for us to avoid moving for as long as humanly possible!!! Finally time for the grad students to become the family in the 'burbs.

After plenty of frustruation with all the moving work this week, I had a little epiphany this morning that completely changed my attitude (for the better!). While discussing job benefits over the kitchen table that now exists only in our imagination, I realized a two awesome things -

1. We are moving to what can be a permanent location. Not a temporary postdoc or a city in the middle of no where or a school with a rock bottom salary. It is an enormous blessing that "staying put" is even an option for us. There were plenty of interviews that would have led to temporary jobs instead.
2. So many of our daily details the last couple of weeks have involved HR joys such as health insurance, life insurance, school enrollment, etc. We are blessed beyond measure to have what I decided this morning is a HomeTown Buffet of state job benefits.

Thank you God for a great job opportunity and all the little rugrats that help complicate things along the way!

Oh yeah, and pictures to remember the best moments, no matter how few and far between they may feel :).

(above, hanging out with my girls in between feeding bottles to the boys in the back seat)

(on a walk a few minutes from our hotel in Maryland)

(the little rascals!)

Day 3 - Happy anniversary?

Cockeysville, Maryland

Yesterday was our 9th anniversary! And, true to form, it was unusual. June 2 has fallen during our "month off" as college teachers for every year of our marriage. Our first anniversary was spent changing a flat tire on a road in Michigan while the Amish drove by in their trusty buggy. Every other year has followed suit.

This year was no different, but actually worse. We would have celebrated a mere flat tire I think.

The year has been an especially intense one, with the baby twins, a huge job search, my own part-time work, and OH - John working long, long hours getting finishing school and landing a job. Much to be thankful for, but possibly the most challenging year that either of us have ever lived.

All was to become easier this summer, when we left on a two month road trip vacation last weekend. We hoped and planned in spare moments for relaxed time together as a family... So we left, and the fun lasted, oh, an hour. Starting with the boys no longer sleeping well (in the car in particular), and continuing with an exhausting house hunt in a new city, our first week out of town has been quite rotten.

Enter June 2. The boys kept me up nearly all night, again. The morning was an all out scramble for the 5th day in a row to get out the door and see rental options. Tag team, feed, fuss, drive, run into a house, back out, discuss, repeat. No spare minutes for the gift basket he thought about having delivered, the champagne I was going to buy, or even a card. Just surviving.

And yet somehow it turned sweet. Abby made us a card. That had a wedding cake with a big "MD" on it for both Mom and Dad and Maryland. It said "You are both nice. You met nine years ago! On this day you got married. Happy Annivinsery. Love, Abby"

Our hotel was serving free dinner. The first cookout of the season, so free burgers, kebabs, hot dogs, all the fixings and cake for dessert. For free. When we felt like it. Right outside our front door.

We took a walk afterwards. Through the parking lots next door. Rachel pushed her brothers around, and we talked in baby free peace, discussing all our housing options and moving towards a decision. You have to understand that such peace was a near miracle after the week we've been having.

The kids all went to bed calmly. An hour earlier than all week. Silence descended on all four of them at once, and we were free to again talk through our week behind the door in the lighted bathroom (hotel, remember!), then fall asleep without the sound of anyone crying. (side note - which is not to say that the boys slept well for the rest of the night!)

At the end of the day, we were together, and most importantly at peace and happy together. A card from a six year old, a hotel dinner, a walk through a commercial district, and four kids sleeping in our room. We felt loved and celebrated in the oddest and yet best ways possible.

Thank you God for finding just the ways to "happ-ify" our day, for helping us through this year, and for taking us into another one.

(But maybe we could just try "normal" next year?!)

Happy Thanksgiving!

We have more things to be thankful for than I can count or list here today...

But here are six of the top ones. (Only four are pictured above!)

1. My wonderful husband!
2. Abby
3. Rachel
4. Danny
5. Jimmy
6. And my own healthy body...

Happy Thanksgiving to you from all of us!

the girl who cried "help!"

This is the story of the girl who cried "help!". Unlike the boy who cried "wolf!", you must understand that this girl wouldn't cry help unless she desperately meant it. She was normally the-little-girl-who-could, who could almost do it all. Cook it, teach it, run it, carry it. (In fact, she thought she could so much, that she sometimes did too much!)

But once in a while, life conspired against her. It was a horrible thing and yet the most wonderful thing all at once.

Her mother died. She moved thousands of miles from her family. She had a miscarriage. She moved, and moved again, and moved again. She got a job in a new city and needed a babysitter. She got pregnant with twins while on a shoestring budget, and no family lived right in town.

Now you must understand, this girl was not only fairly capable, but she also preferred to be a little quiet and keep to herself. But when you need HELP, you are no longer capable and keeping to yourself is no longer an option. And so she cried "help!"

Here is where it gets wonderful. A friend flew to stay for a week when mom died (they've been friends even more since), and a boy that helped her talk through it in later years became her best friend and husband.

An acquaintance called her right away after the miscarriage, and she still feels safe talking to her many years later.

Each time she moved away from somewhere, (and especially as she accumlated more stuff!), she finally met the neighbors. The ones that she'd said "hi" to for years but never "help" suddenly became willing movers and finally shared meals both then and years later.

In desperate need of one day of babysitting while she went to work at a new job, a friend of a friend (a stranger!) was willing to help. That help turned into hours upon hours spent together, kindnesses traded, and two little girls growing up best friends from age one to age six together. Countless other babysitters (strangers, colleagues, playground moms) became reliable friends.

And so with babies soon to arrive, she knew she had no choice but again to cry "help!" It was time to finally have that conversation with a neighbor, a mom known only in passing, familiar friends that she just didn't usually need help from. She cried "help!", and they finally exchanged phone numbers, watched her children, had something to talk about, or became even dearer friends or family than they already were as they expanded their care for her.

And so events that may have seemed overwhelming or even horrible turned into life's greatest blessings for this girl. She got over her "I-can-do-it"-ness, and her quietness. She started conversations and asked for and accepted lots of help.

And in turn she discovered new, wider, and deeper friendships everywhere she turned.

The end. Until the next crisis pushes her out of her shell even further and she again cries "help!".

Have you asked for help from someone lately? Or offered?

31 weeks.

Photography isn't really a talent around here - but you at least get the profile idea! Above, the 28 week pic that I never got around to posting.

I'm 31 weeks pregnant today. It's kind of an important milestone for me, because two friends that I know that have had twins this year each had theirs at 30 weeks. All four babies are big and healthy now, but started off tiny. I kind of had it in my mind that 30 weeks was a really and possibly not-even-so-bad delivery date. Anything beyond that would be icing on the cake, weeks that we weren't at the NICU. And here I am, I've passed that mark! In fact, every indication amazingly says that the babies are healthy and determined to reach 7 or 8 lbs. each inside of me, though I still could be sequestered for good at any given doctor's appointment from here on out.

Many months ago, back in May, I wrote about how hard it was to be thankful for these babies when so much was yet unknown. As we look ahead to them coming, it is as if a supernatural peace had descended on our house - even things that we should be worried about, like names, middle of the night deliveries, and where we'll live next year are just not stressing us out.

Yes, there are still moments when I lay awake worrying, or make lists of what yet needs to be done. But I hope that my heart has been permanently softened a bit through this pregnancy, to say thanks every single day for what is, and hestitate less because of what might be. And so, at 31 weeks and counting, here are a few of my many baby-related gratitudes.

A perfect tiny bit of work this fall. Just enough to make a big difference for retirement, and I'm done with it as of last Monday.

No bedrest. Still walking and (stationary) biking. A placenta that cooperated and finally moved out of the danger zone.

No identical twin-to-twin transfusion, a very real risk for early delivery, fetus fatality, complications. Most dangerous mid-pregnancy, when the babies are too little to be delivered yet. Leads to one twin taking way more nutrients than the other (and growing differently). Our twins have literally tracked together perfectly: 8 oz, 1 lb, 2 lb, 3 lb. (and now 4 lb.?!) Even the doctors have been amazed.

A slew of matching twin boy clothes from a friend. With pacifiers, bottles, etc. thrown in. They will match and be very well-dressed. Much, much better than I expected.

Baby stuff in general. So many friends (and grandma!) have given me something here, something there. I went to register for a shower this weekend, and I literally could find only 5 things to register for. The thought that we would need so little because we're being given so much made me laugh then and cry for joy now.

A stack of "large" maternity shirts from a friend for the pregnancy that has outlasted my expectations of length AND size! My usual "chili pepper" body is much more a two-peas-in-the-pod shape :). (I told John I might even consider dressing up for Halloween if I make it that long. I'd hate to make the kids scream as a gigantic pea pod plodded down the street though. Like a veggie nightmare!)

(Love that lighting. I'm much too impatient to force my photographers to work for more than about 5 seconds though. Me at 31 weeks.)

I don't know when the babies will arrive, or how a myriad of other things beyond that will unfold.

But I pause today to celebrate 31 weeks so far, to say THANK YOU to God who has kept me and these babies healthy so far, who is taking care of all that we seem to need. And to say THANK YOU if you've been one who has given to us already, whether in the form of a Boppy, a very large or small piece of clothing, or a prayer for peace and thankfulness.

It's a good week to be pregnant.

Just enough is (still) plenty

The girls and I were reading a Hannukah book back in March - the moral was that they always found a way turn just enough into plenty. It was an inspiring thought to me then, and it must be really good, because I've been thinking about it again lately.

We have just enough space in our house to add two more babies. Well, after some serious purging of every closet in the house to make way for all the stuff from our office/den/guest room to get cleared out. We haven't added a single square foot, but suddenly we've got plenty of space for new beds, clothes, and all that other paraphernalia that little people require.

I kind of like sewing, but mending seems to pile up. I'm acquiring an odd affinity for it though lately. There's something cool about breathing new life into the broken chair cushion ties, the shirt that Rachel took it upon herself to try cutting up, and the torn hand-me-down maternity jeans. A few minutes, a needle and thread, and just enough turns into a pile of good as new textile plenty!

And then this week began, with the triumph that I'd made it to the end of the month with just enough grocery money, which is my constant personal challenge and failure. But shoot, we need something for the sweet walk at the carnival, snack foods are running really low, and I'm more than a little bored of Cheerios and Frosted MiniWheats for breakfast. Enter some flour, sugar, and oatmeal. Sugar cookies aren't a Depression-era tradition for nothing (dressed up with some colorful frosting), rotten bananas make great snackable banana bread, and as for breakfast? Might as well clean out all the cabinets of honey, maple syrup, molasses, raisins, almond crumbs, and old-fashioned oats (yup, I literally drained every single one of those). The granola was such an improvement this morning. We've suddenly got plenty to enjoy until shopping day next Monday.

It's a space challenge, a clothing challenge, a food challenge (a time and money challenge!). But it is actually kind of fun to rise to the challenges, gratifying to conquer them, surprising how much you can get out of almost nothing. Just enough is (still) plenty at our house. How about yours?

In the process...

I'm finally writing, if only for a few precious (stolen) minutes! Yeah, that's us above, in the process of enjoying vacation a couple of weeks back.

It has been a whirlwind since I last posted, including celebrating our 8th anniversary, two weeks in the Pacific northwest on what will turn out to be our last big twin-less vacation, and then a quick start to summer school the day we got home, which is pretty much a full-time job. No time to sit down and catch my breath writing, but I guess that has been pretty much a good thing.

Anyhow, I've been thinking a lot during the last month about being thankful "in the middle" of stuff, "in the process", not just at the end. I heard someone (grandparent type) talk just a bit before our trip about how one of the main priorities of parenting should be to enjoy the process. 'Cause if you don't, you suddenly find yourself at the end that you've been planning for, having missed everything else along the way. That really stuck with me, not just for parenting, but for everything...

So, instead of just planning for the end of the summer, arrival of babies, or where we'll be living in a year, I've been trying to step back and appreciate what I'm in the process of right now. For me, that especially means enjoying these little babies. I was bound and determined to savor every minute of my 3rd baby's pregnancy, but when 3 turned into 4, I was suddenly too tired and keeping track of too many changes and risks to enjoy it quite as much as I wanted.

A couple of weeks of vacation are excellent for tweaking that distracted mindset. Add to that a couple of weeks of work, where free minutes become like gold, and I am starting to look at things differently. (Below: pondering Oregon!)


So I'm in the process of growing these little babies inside of me - here's what I'm stopping to enjoy -
- Their big daddy being a big help and very patient with me! Getting to know him as the father of "many" rather than just two. Including things like minivan shopping.
- Little girls loving swimming and biking and getting better at the them every afternoon.
- Having a healthy body to donate to science - i.e. the science of caring for babies who require that I give up some of my favorite activities and instead fall asleep early, pee late, and eat as often as possible. It's easy when all I have to do to take care of the three of us is take care of ME, I guess!
- Not being on bed rest - oh, I am loving that I can at least still swim, and even walking isn't horrible. Glad I can do at least that! And without having to be laden down with winter parkas.
- Energy to get to know and help one more class of students. They might be my last on campus class in quite a while.

Life's a kind of fun process, when I stop long enough to notice! Hope you're noticing what's going on around you this summer too :).

PS - It's two little boys!!! Pics of vacation and maybe the babies again coming soon. Our ultrasound last Friday looked great - babies are the same size and right on target for where 16 week old kiddos should be. Hurray!

Hesitating to say "thanks"

spoiler alert! - if you haven't read the previous post "Overrun", you should probably read that first to understand where this one is coming from :).

When life’s worries catch up to me, I turn to God. They may be my own worries, your worries, or the worries of the world that send me running. I become confident in a God that is “big enough”, “bigger”, the “biggest” – the only one with enough love and power to touch a situation.

When life’s blessings catch up to me, I again turn to God, offering thanks for our family’s health, home, the majesty of nature, and more.

It’s when I am caught somewhere in between that I hesitate to turn to God. Stuck somewhere in between the request for help and the blessing received, I stall out. Yes, my God is the only one I dare ask for such big things, but do I trust that his bigness can really be displayed in the answers? I rationalize that maybe his “answers” are just a coincidence, not the fingers of God at work. (Not always an incorrect assumption, maybe?) I balk because if the answer falls short, what do I do? Blame God? Discount the initial answer? Come face-to-face with my limited understanding of God’s ways? Be left speechless to those who question my faith?

I’m caught in the middle this week, as we celebrate that twins are on the way. As several friends have pointed out, and I’ve thought myself, this double helping of kids is a ridiculous and amazing answer to my laments to God. But I find that rather than exploding with joy, I’m withholding my gratitude until the blessing is complete, and they arrive healthy in the outside world. The risks are many, twins are a natural occurrence (not only divine!), and if I go on about how this is God’s great answer and then something happens…? My doubts are many, woefully holding back my thanksgiving.

As I laid awake in the middle of last night (pregnant hunger pangs!), a random story came to mind. Ten lepers cried out to Jesus to heal them. He sent them to the priest to get healed. Only one returned to say thank you, and he was a foreigner at that. Jesus wondered – “Where are the other nine? Was no one else willing to come back and give glory to God?” (Luke 17:11-19) These men had their lives radically changed – restored physically and then socially into society. Yet they too neglected to return and say “thank you”. Maybe they weren’t so sure that it was really Jesus’ power at work. Maybe they thought they’d give the miracle a few years to “stick” before they gave credit where credit was due. Maybe they just forgot and went out to tackle the next challenge of finding a job. I see myself in their shoes. I want to pause and acknowledge God instead.

God, you are big enough for me to ask things of. You are big enough to answer too, and deserve the credit when you do – and so I thank you for these two little lives. Give me faith and courage to keep returning and saying “thanks”.

A happy mother's day

I've got nothing profound or poetic for the day - except to say that I am one happy, thankful mom.

For a few years, mother's day was quite bittersweet for me, since my mom had passed away when I was 16, and it was another seven years before I became a mother. There is still a bit missing on the day, but let me tell you what I've got: the precious little things that count.

One beloved husband to bring me breakfast in bed.

Two little girls ready with hugs and kisses the moment I get out of bed.

An eager five-year-old daughter who proudly gave me her third and fourth handwritten cards (yes, that's four this year!) this morning.

A husband who never fails to surprise me with presents beyond my expectation - today, a new bracket and plant for our patio - followed by half a dozen fix it jobs DONE now!

A two-year-old daughter who eagerly helps eat up all the candy that she and big sis picked out to give me.

Two little girls on a date with mom this morning. First, both raced ahead on their bikes, strong legs pedaling, hair flying like crazy, and big grins when they see how far behind they've left me. One picks the other up and pushes her on the swing then. Two little girls, so grown up, bring so much joy to my heart, just by having them around for company.

Sitting at lunch on the deck, our little family of four together, eating less-than-special-PBJ's (Abby's declaration), new flowers hanging nearby. For me, it couldn't be any better.