Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Whispers. Worries. Worship. REPEAT.

Whispers. Worries. Worship. REPEAT.

That pretty much describes how my life of trying to believe God. I'd like to think that I had some great increase in faith over the last year, watching my baby boys be formed and born perfect. But no, not really, I'm still just a fairly faithless human being! I think all I've gained is a signpost to look at as I continue to bumble along through life. Here's how it went this time.

With these babies, I heard supernatural whispers that God is good and gives good. A glimpse in my mind of me holding a healthy baby boy in my arms. A friend who bravely shared a whisper she heard that my babies would be healthy, even a redemption and gift in place of the baby we lost years ago. I read in a psalm just weeks before the babies were born - "God makes his people strong, God gives his people peace." It stuck with me, though I wasn't sure if it was because of me or God.

Following all of those whispers, I worried and doubted. Am I hearing from God, or my own made up thoughts? Am I reading into the words, or are they divinely inspired for ME? God doesn't have to do good, will he in this situation? Will the good that he does fit my definition of good? And in the meantime, what do I say to him?

And then, in spite of my worries, God gave me something perfect and good, two healthy baby boys, born by a strengthened and at peace mama. The whispers were true. For at least a day, it was easy to go to church and worship God, (something I experienced very clearly when Rachel was born too). Standing there holding a tangible answer to many prayers and promises, I clutched my baby and sang "You are worthy of all our praises" and had no question marks attached.

Truth is, my faith in God is still pretty much pathetically puny, and always will be. But I've gained two little signposts (aka Daniel and James!) to look at that will point me back to the fact that God is GOOD and that I've experienced that.

They'll be coming with me, literally never far from my side as we start the cycle over again, looking for a new job and a new city!

God, help me listen for your whispers and give me faith to believe them. When I worry, remind me of your past goodness - especially through my kids. And when each adventure ends, let me never forget to say boldly say "thank you", full of confidence in you, if only for a fleeting moment of bigger-than-usual faith.


Dina said...

I love this, Jo! People offer point to my life and certain obvious miracle "signposts" and are sure that doubt and fear could never be visitors again in my heart. The truth is, I know God is capable of miracles and that He is capable of providing and protecting and healing. But will He? And what if He doesn't? Then what? But when I look back at the signposts of my life, especially the hardest times and those that weren't fulfilled the way I would have wished, I see that my faith grew stronger, my hope in Him became my guiding peace. Repeat and repeat...

Jenn said...

thanks for your thoughts here.

I think we can all relate. i know i do. I see 'signs', hear the whispers and yet still somehow, doubt creeps in.

i like how you talk about worship here though because if I am hearing the whispers, and seeing the 'signs, I will worship. how can I not?

well, i guess I have a choice here but, how could I not?

so, you are moving again?

little steps. :) keep us posted!

lots of love to you

Don said...

Great post: definitely from the heart.

"Truth is, my faith in God is still pretty much pathetically puny, and always will be."

Probably only about the size of a mustard seed.

Refrigerator Faith? If your faith were a picture... God would post it on His fridge: "See what cute little Joanna made? I'm so proud of her."


Jan said...

What a unique sign post (of faith)! I love it. :-)

Regarding mustard seeds: I have a jar of them to remind me how small they are, but ultimately worthwhile and powerful.

Thanks for the posting.